I dont know him…
There’s very few times that i’ll get really deep on here, so i guess you should just…..pay attention while I’m in the whole “revealing” mode. I guess I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about the other part of me that i rarely EVER talk about because it’s easier to forget than to talk about it. Somewhere…*i know where*….i have a brother out there…
It’s becoming more prevelant to me that he wont be around for those upcoming special days that I’d love to have him around for. He hasnt been around in the past….so i guess it doesnt REALLY matter, but he was in the wedding dream and the prom dream….even though he wasnt around, he was always there, however miniscule his appearance or role was. Growing up an only child had to be one of the greatest things…there was no fighting over toys or arguing over who had the car for what night and for how long. It was easy. But i guess there was always that little part of me that wanted to have someone to fight with. Someone i could yell at every once in a while, just because.
The last time i spoke to him, I was a Senior enjoying my last few days of High School…..that makes it about…..5 years ago. Even though i didnt like him back then, I’m able to put aside his faults now and replay all of the good things. I’ve only seen him once….which was actually the first time I met him. I was 9 and he was 18. Yep, 9 years older than me…..that makes him 31 now. I dont know when his birthday is….nor if he’s married, or if he has kids……I dont know if i’m an auntie or if i should be sending gifts on birthdays. I’m sure that if something happened to him, I’d get a phone call….once again through the grapevine….
While it’s hard to miss something I never had, the thought does cross my mind sometimes….”wonder what he’s doing”….”wonder if he’s okay”…..but i dont think I’ll ever get up the nerve to do the research, because if I did find him, i’d wanna give him a piece of my mind…
I’d tell him how he missed prom…..he missed the highlights…how it’d be great for him to meet my friends…how i’ve been dying to introduce him to the love of my life….how i wanted him to be there when i walked down the aisle….and most importantly…
how i’m mad at him for being a jerk and for missing all those days that were important for me…how i’m mad at him for acting the way he did when our dad died….for not caring enough to pick up the phone when he knew that I couldnt.
But i think once i got through the logistics, I’d be happy to claim him as ……well, what he’s supposed to be….my brother. Until then he’s non-mentioned, non-existent….he’ll still be in my dreams though, with his fuzzy un-recognizable face….
I just wish i knew him….but I dont. I dont know him.
Have a good Hump day guys….
xoxoxoxoxoxo
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Reply to Comments
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I guess i could give reasons (to all the greek folks, i know what excuses are….i pledged) like —he’s in another country (Barbados) so it’ll be expensive…or…i dont have his most recent info…but I guess, i just wont know what to say…. @ everyone
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Kelvin
18 May 2005 at 11:58 am #
Man Court,
That is DEEP…I have two sisters myself and am the only son…I can relate to all you said here about missing having someone to argue with when you were younger…
Personally, I think it wouldn’t hurt to try and locate him…I am sure he thinks of you often too..and life is much too short for sorry’s and goodbyes….
Think about it….
jdid
18 May 2005 at 12:14 pm #
well I know how you feel. My older brother was estranged from the family fror a long long time. Actually Christmas 2003 was the first time I saw him since hmmm probably in about 16 years. It was so bad that apprently there were a few times i walked by him in the past and had no idea it was him.
I had that whole dilemna of contacting him at some point during the time we were not speaking but I never did anything about it. I think it actually took our grandmother’s death to bring him back
courtney
18 May 2005 at 12:29 pm #
i’m thinkin :blush: @ kelvin….
dang @ jdid…our father’s death didnt bring him back….i think it pushed him farther away
Nikki
18 May 2005 at 12:47 pm #
I agree with Kevin, Courtney. You should try to contact him.
Campfyah
18 May 2005 at 1:25 pm #
Wow Courtney. You should try to at least make contact. If all else fail, no one can say you didn’t try. I’m the older sibbling of a brother and sister. All three of us are far apart in ages, so we don’t always get along and it fustrates the daylights out of my mom. especially my borther and sister who are constantly at each other throat.
Robert
18 May 2005 at 9:06 pm #
Wow Courtney, sorry to hear. I know it must be tough to have never known someone, but know they’re out there. My sis and I are 5 years apart, and though we don’t see eye to eye all the time, it’s still nice to know she’s there. I wish you all the luck in the world to find him and at least see where it will take you.
Coley
18 May 2005 at 10:20 pm #
Hi Courtney… I know you probably don’t need one more person telling you what you should do, but I think you should try to find him! Like some others said… At least you would know that you tried and you gave it 100%! Like Kelvin said… Life is too short! My mom died, and there are many things I wish we could have said or done, but it’s too late now! You don’t want that to happen… Think about it at least. and know that your blog family is here for ya!! :):)